Last Days of Work

My layoff from Towers Perrin was unusual in a couple of respects. First, they laid off all the freelancers -- the folks without benefits -- and kept all their permanent, more expensive, employees. Which I kind of respect, actually. Second, they didn't just walk us to the door -- they gave us two weeks notice, from March 23 to April 7. April 7 would be our last day in our cubicle, our last paid day.

04/05/09, Two Days Left: I had bad dreams that took place in a hospital and in a former mother-in-law's house, both places of great tension. There was a puppy that didn't know how to eat or drink, but was being kept alive by people who believed they could teach him. At first, my dad was the patient, but I couldn't get to his room to say good-bye. Then I was the patient. An aide brought me tea mixed with coffee -- tepid -- and I tried to drink it, but it was, of course, awful. So the patient has to find her own coffee, but while I'm doing that, my bed is taken away. When I get back, there is no place to rest, no way to get the rest of my breakfast. The room is empty, filled with sunlight, but stuffy and too warm. Finally, a nurse says I can take myself to the Guest House up the hill. I'm supposed to go alone, but the nurse gives me a red helium balloon and some paperwork to take along with me. But, making the transfer, she lets the balloon escape. I have to catch it, so I never make it to the Guest House and the new bed.

No one seems to think about how hard being laid off is for me. They see a more competent and resilient me than I do. It's my responsibility to deal with it, even though it wasn't my fault in any way. Due to a greedy employment agency, a lax accountant and life, I have no record of my last three years of employment: no W-2s, no pay stubs, no Social Security credits and, therefore, no unemployment compensation. It's as if I've just been pulling all this weight like a draft horse, and there are no oats waiting in the barn. No wonder I'm so tired.

04/06/09, One Day Left: Running up to my last day of paid work is doing a number on my blood pressure (145/94). This is Black Monday for sure. I just hope tomorrow is bright and sunny -- that would mean stepping off into a spring meadow rather than into a dark abyss.

Fortunately, I guess, I have much to do on Wednesday: finish resume, applications, searching, applying, developing a Web site. Learning how to mine the social network sites. My daughter is worried about me and wants reassurance. I'll have to dredge up the optimism to do that little thing for her. The cat hunkers at my feet, having given me her cat look -- wide-eyed -- then turning away and squeezing her big blue discs shut for a nap. She's not losing any sleep over my distress.